Five: Me (Pt. 1)

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Golden

If you ask me who I was, I would tell you i am Golden. I can tell you I am not how i looked. That is just the truth I can explain to you. Through the past few months i had learn many things about myself where I never noticed. It may explain the great deal of people who dislike me as a person and i cannot blame it on them. If you continue to read this, i would explain to you who I am, at least the bad side of me because all you might know is the good side.

I was a mischievous stupid child. I might still be but it is lessened to a point where it is gone from my usual habits. I still do very much dumb things and create countless of mistakes. However, that's me where i love now. I am a guy who enjoy experience. Good or Bad. Trust me i hate education, it may help me but I prefer to learn from experience as such in topics like Love, Friends and much more other. I has truly learn many of it. I might look nice at the start of anything, friendship or mentor ship but I as myself know I am multi-faced person. If you are going to be my friend, you should understand that. It may due to my overthinking trait of mine.

Overthinking. It is a trait i never liked about myself because it always create a comparison feeling about myself. Comparison is a toxic trait humanity will always have and because of that, what i think is that it is the reason why our modern society has higher depression rate. It may be fault but for me, it connects. Overthinking also create doubt in people's mind, it consume your thought and put it into a darkness where it is endless of routes you might never understand. Overthinking can cause bigger problem to anyone even if they have a strong mindset because to me, it seems uncontrollable. When you are at the happiest, it can pull you down and when you are normal, it comes and put in thought that you do not want, it is like a nightmare but when you are awake. This trait of mine had caused a lot of my life in the rock bottom where i almost had no hope for more that 5 years. I had never had full happiness other than gimps of true happiness since childhood. It may have cause my distant from me and my family and friends in a way.

I can also be toxic. Yes, indeed. My toxic personality is the part where I treat the people i love in a way as if i am using them and not actually friends with them. In the deepest in my heart, if i had became toxic and cause harm to the friendship, all i will say is I am very sorry. I never see my toxic trait until recently where i slowly see my damage to my close friends of mine where I am finally awake to see my immature behavior that I need to change. I should not blame this but to myself.

Additionally, I am a very insecure person. I am so insecure that i seek other's opinion on many things and i take personality traits that people like and force myself to change. I personally is very doubtful about my own life, looks and ability in anything i do. In my eyes i see everyone as a person who is much better than me. I compare myself to the smartest and put myself down into the very bottom of the class, I see the ability of the best person in sport and kick myself out of the interest in the hobby so i would not embarrass myself. I would see successful people and just keep an endless thought of my dark future in my mind. These had broke me down enough that I cannot smile anymore. It had made me darker of a person where everyone is in a way more perfect than me in all aspect in their life even though i never know what they feel or the experience they had went through.

Me as a person has also trust issues where it had grew me into a terrible person in a way people will think. I personally do not trust anyone, not even my family to a degree of matter. It had closed down since i was young because if i ever tell anyone, i have an expectation of it will coming back and bite me back, it cause me to not talk much about my feelings or anything. Even though, the past is the past, writing this whole thing is very hard for me so i am sorry if it is not good. Boys are taught to keep things to themselves, never cry and never complain and just finish everything that writing this may cause people to call me names where in this point of my life, I do not care at all.

It is because for the summer, i had learn many things about myself. I had gotten taught different aspect where my life is something that give me hope. It is something that leads me to somewhere i may not ever know what i will be. Suddenly the dark is getting brighter. I had finally organised myself together and try and improve myself bits by bits. I shall explain how i done it.

Yes, the traits i had mentioned will never be fixed, I admit. However i can improve some parts and try and prevent it from happening such as the toxicity i provide to close ones. Through the month, i had asked some friends for things i might have done that had distant our friendship. I learned a lot. I had see perspectives that i myself will never consider at all. Yes i confess, that day i cried. I never meant to hurt any of my friends, more importantly the close ones. I had finally reach the proper rock bottom. That's where it changed for me.

It was at that time I was determined to improve myself fully. To your knowledge, I am still trying. I am not perfect in any way i can imagine. In such a long time, I finally actually smiled when i look in the mirror. There is not criticism, It is just self love and self happiness. I am not sad anymore. It is not like the past where i don't even ever like to look at myself but i feel a warm sensation. It is true happiness in my opinion.

My name is Goh Xiao Xuan, now and forever. You can call me Golden if we ever meet or if we already know each other. My story is not to tell you anything but to tell you who i am. I am always gonna be myself whatever i try to do. I always will have people who hate me because that's the nature of life. However I will always love a complaint because it just means i can make myself a little better than who i am yesterday. I will never be perfect but at least i can create experience to learn and look back from.